The true identity of the Soul Calibur characters
by Thunderbird1
Summary: I'm just making fun of Soul Calibur--Twisted humor


Disclaimer: Namco is the owener and creator of the Soul Calibur characters in this story. The character names are used only to create this fictional story.  
  
Prologue  
  
As the story of Soul Calibur unfolds, we are introduced to Kilik, the main character. Born in China, Kilik was raised by his uncle Edge Master after killing his parents in a domestic dispute. His parents, Kali, and Dvapara wanted Kilik to marry his long time friend Xianghua. Although Kilik and Xianghua were very close, his heart belonged to another. The marriage between Kilik and Xianghua was arranged and scheduled to take place two weeks down the road. Xianghua, only 16 years of age felt she was ready, and looked forward to exchanging vows and being one with Kilik. Unfortunately, Kilik had his eyes and heart set on starting a relationship with Seung Mina. They had been intimate and keeping it a secret for quite some time, and now Kilik felt he was ready for everyone to know.  
  
Seung Mina felt the same as Kilik, but could not be tied down at the moment. Her brother, Hwang was on a quest to recover the legendary Soul Edge, and Seung Mina was determined to lead him on the wrong path to keep him out of danger. If only Seung Mina knew that Hwang was not on a quest to fing Soul Edge, rather he was going to the next town to have sexual relations with Sophitia. The very beautiful, very charming Sophitia was married to Maxi. Her love for Maxi died when she found out that he was cheating on her with her best friend Taki. To settle the score she continued having sexual relations with Hwang. He was everything she ever wanted in a man, and by far was a better lover than her cheating husband. Maxi has had psychological problems ever since he was ten years old when the kids would tease him and call him Maxi pad. His childhood was rough, and to this day he can still hear the kids saying "Throw us the ball Maxi pad". This irreversible condition known as Maxicillius Padicus has destroyed his ego, and his ability to "get it up".  
  
So how could Maxi please Taki you ask? It's very simple. Taki is bisexual, and although Maxi suffers from Maxicillius Padicus his six inch tongue is not affected. Things would be going great for Taki and Maxi if it were not for Ivy. Ivy is and has always been a lesbian. Without a doubt she is highly jealous of Maxi and his tongue. Ivy feels left out and out of place. Taki kicks her to the curb without thinking twice, and Ivy is heartbroken.  
  
She returns home crushed and devasted to talk things over with her father, Voldo. Voldo is not only a weird and quiet man, he is also gay and very proud of it. In every battle he fights he wears something seductive hoping to rub his genitals on the body of young husky warriors. He is not content in his present relationship, and is constantly looking for a new love. His current man Astaroth is too much of a thug for Voldo's tastes. Astaroth loves to be in control of every situation, and never takes no for an answer. He overpowers and pimp smacks Voldo every chance he gets. Not to mention calling him a "sleezy bitch" or a "cracked out whore". If only a big strong man could save him from this relationship, Voldo would be so grateful. His knight in shining armour would soon arrive and drive away Astaroth.  
  
Who could have thought that the very same Siegfried who wanted his daughter Ivy so badly in years past, would eventually realize that he too was gay. Although Siegfried is young, he is just beginning to explore his sexuality and would like an older man to "show him the ropes". Siegfried's father Nightmare does not approve, and is on the verge of killing Siegfried and his lover Voldo. Nightmare had such high hopes for his son, and just thinking about his son's fond love of men penetrating his body was enough to make Nightmare's claw- of -a- hand twitch. That was only the beginning of Nightmare's problems.  
  
Three outstanding fighters from Hilliad, the next town over from the east, were in search of Siegfried. Weeks before, Siegfried was in the town Hilliad and had seriously wounded a man over a six pack of Hillenbrew, the town's famous beer. That man was Cervantes. He was known as the town drunk, but was loved by all. As soon as his son Mitsurugi was aware of what happened, he and two of his fearless friends went in search of the "man with the big sword". His two companions were his childhood friends, Yoshimitsu, and Inferno. These two were quite the "potheads", smoking at least 7 times a day. It was no surprise why Yoshimitsu was nicknamed "Smiley" because of his constant smiling and laughing. It was thought that "Smiley" constantly wore a mask covering his face. This was not true, he was just ridiculously ugly!  
  
Inferno was fortunate for he had no face, and his body was made of fire. No one dared make fun of him for fear that he would burn them to death. Although he was always happy and high, he was known at times to have a bad temper. That was in part due to the fact that he was always reminded of his past. Not a day went by that he didn't think about his father, Rock and how he disappeared years ago. To this day no one is aware of Rock's whereabouts, and many believe that is the reason Inferno smokes weed; to suppress the memories. Perhaps it is because he constantly thinks about the demon Lizard man. Lizard man, one who's real identity is not known, conducted experiments on Inferno when he was just a child. It kills Inferno to even think about the things done to him, but he must for that is his main purpose in life.....to find and kill Lizard man. 


End file.
